it's so easy
I’ve decided to use my spare time today to give a short tutorial in the art of saying NO. This is something I have struggled to do for a number of years, and at times, still cannot manage, but I think I may be getting to a place in my life where it’s entirely possible for me not to get roped into absolutely ridiculous shit.
Before I begin, I’d like to provide you with a short list of things you DON’T even need tutoring to say NO to. Behold:
- Giving a ride to a dodgy hitchhiker with a beard, orthopedic shoes and gold-rimmed spectacles
- Vegetables you don’t like
- Someone asking you to put modern pop music on for the duration of a long-awaited road trip
- Smoking cigarettes
- Having the ‘chat’ with your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend
- Opening the door to drunk people at 4 am
- Ironing
- Scrunchies
And then, a short list of things that you must NEVER say NO to:
- Free cheese
- Free shoelaces
- Free shoelaces made out of cheese
- Afternoon naps
- Good books
- Good films
- Skinny trousers
- Anesthetic injections at the dentist (nice times)
Right. So. Yes. Let’s begin:
Imagine you find yourself in a situation whereby you are asked by someone you don’t like (someone you like even less than making 800 photocopies) to go out for drinks and dinner. Let’s also up the stakes by saying that you will be having said drinks and dinner with his sister and brother-in-law. What do you do? Here are some ways to say NO:
- When he asks you, look him right in the eye, and then crawl under your desk and curl into a ball and whimper. This is quite a passive means to an end.
- When he asks you, look him square in the eye, stab yourself in the leg with the blunt paper scissors in your stationery bucket, and say “I can’t. I’m injured.” Slightly more aggressive, but just as effective as the passive approach.
- Burst into tears and blow your nose on his sleeve. Twice.
- Faint.
- Vomit on his shoes.
- Tell him you have to take your goldfish to the vet, as you suspect it may be suffering from some weird form of memory loss disease.
These are usually quite good ways to deal with this kind of situation.
Right. Let’s take a look at something else you might be faced with at any given time in your life:
You’re in a fancy restaurant in a fancy hotel in a fancy outfit. You’ve spent the entire time pushing your dinner around your plate, so that you don’t ruin your palate for the next 6 vodka martinis you plan to consume, when the waiter comes to clear your plate and asks you if you’d like to have a look at the desert menu. You obviously don’t want to fill your tummy with boring desert. Crikey! But the waiter is so polite, you feel that perhaps you should order one and push that around too. Here’s what you can do to extract yourself from such a dilemma:
- Ignore him and down the rest of your martini, slam your glass down on the table and burp loudly.
- Drop the rest of your martini on the waiter’s shoes.
- Shake your head from side to side. (make sure you wear a good amount of hairspray for this one)
- Get up, start doing the robot, and robot your way right out of the restaurant. (be careful not to leave your bag behind – this has happened to people who’ve tried this before)
- Tell the waiter you’re diabetic and that if he asks you if you want desert one more time, your body will go into shock and he will be single-handedly responsible for your untimely death.
- Throw your martini in the waiter’s face and announce that he has now been baptised by the holy church of Martini! (this is my personal favourite)
People, please understand that saying NO is an art form, and that it may not always include the actual word ‘NO’. This said, you can always forget what I’ve written in this post, simply say ‘NO’, and risk being labeled weird. But you wouldn’t want that, would you?
While i have your attention, I’d like to introduce you to a really, really, really cool blog that depicts the world of art the way it should be depicted, with style and subtlety. Please visit the (other) best blog in town and familarise yourself with it.
