retro food #2

Once again, and not too long after the last time this was an issue, I fear that my sense of humour has left me for a short while. Cause for this could be any number of things – ranging from exhaustion to laziness. I’ve been trying to sweep it under the carpet in the hopes that it will ‘go away’, but even my laziness seems to be lazy, and so I am tasked with the awful-ness of trying to rid myself of it, and it of itself. And so, I see now as a good time to express my interest in something we all relate to food-wise:

loved by south africans. eaten by their children

 

Fish fingers

When you’re about 5 years old, the thought of eating something like a fish, which at that stage is a nothing but a pet or a plaything in your mind, can cause a serious amount of trauma that could have life-long implications for all involved, including the parent that tries to feed said fish to you as such a small and impressionable child. For example, you may end up in parent-child therapy because your mum or dad tried to make you into a small 5-year-old fish killer. This kind of mental stress could also cause you to become a vegetarian at an obscenely young age where, in fact, you do actually need to eat said fish to keep you healthy.

That said, there’s just something about fish fingers that the world can’t seem to shake. No matter who you are, where you’re from, or how famous you’ve become due to hedge fund fraud, you were once an eater of these tasty treats, and probably (even secretly) still are. Let’s look at how fish fingers have managed to transcend all appetite and social boundaries that exist on this earth:

• It is almost 100% true that strong, austere, political world leaders such as Hilary Clinton and Zarkozy have at some point in their lives had a fishfinger pass through their lips. (More Hilary than Zarkozy, because she’s a yank, but I’m sure Zarkozy could have tried one in the heat of his teenage rebellion against fine French food)
• We were all children once. (Yes, even you Ana Wintour, you sourpuss! And you Naomi Campbell, you physically blessed yet deranged creature). What that means is that at some point, a rectangular, crumbed, basically-unidentifiable foodstuff was an easy way for our parents to make sure we did not die or starvation and/or malnutrition. So the next time you are meeting a high-powered client who thinks he’s too important to look you in the eye and greet you, just imagine him chomping on a fish finger, and  with a ketchup stain on his chin. Not because it’s funny, but because it’s fucking true.
• In a world that so forcefully champions sustainability and environmental protection, fish fingers offer a way for each and every person on the planet to be actively considerate towards nature (fish and overfishing). You see, we all know that there is not one fish finger manufacturer out there that would give us an exact breakdown of each and every part/fish appendage that goes into making a fish finger. That’s because we’d cringe, and then run a mile. But what these manufacturers are actually doing is using up all the fish bits that nobody would ever eat. So, if you eat fish fingers with environmental awareness in mind, you can be proud of the fact that you are saving innocent fish from death by eating the bits of their cousins that nobody wanted. I am confident that if people’s only level of consumption of fish happened through fish fingers, we’d have twice as many fish in the ocean. Think about this the next time you decide to be fancy and order that Dorado with your bottle of chardonnay pinot noir, you pretentious twat.
• Fish fingers are so fucking cool that you can eat them out of an ice cream cone!!! Here’s a little thing I learned at a food and wine show a few years back: get an ice cream cone, fill it with mashed potato, stuff a fish finger in it, and garnish with a cherry tomato. Voila! You have a healthy, balanced meal posing as a desert. It does NOT get better than that. I’d suggest this recipe for small children and people undergoing sever drug rehabilitation (it’ll cheer them up when they realise there’s no smack).
• Fish fingers taste great with chips/fries/whatever.
• They’re easy to cook when you’re drunk at 5 am and you think that food will save your life. (how wrong you are!!!!)

So, my suggestion today is: be an environmentalist, an aspiring world leader, a creative foodie, and a drunk-ass all at once!!! 

Fish fingers. Eat one. Now.

Retro food #1

After some recent events, I feel as though I’ve momentarily lost my sense of humour. So, I’ve decided to remedy that by writing about something that brings me infinite joy: baked beans. And upon thinking about the beauty and simplicity of baked beans, another idea was born. Because, in my mind, baked beans are nothing short of retro. So from now on, I’m going to be re-introducing you all to a foodstuff that may have been a part of your past, but that can also be a big part of your future. Isn’t that what the term ‘retro’ is all about?

Retro food #1: baked beans

We’ve all eaten them, and we probably all love them. They taste good with everything. They are an appropriate part of any meal, and they’re pretty much the only vegetable/legume our parents could get a lot of us to eat when we were small children.

Behold, baked beans.

the brand preferred by South Africans who know their shit

 

the brand preferred by everyone else

 

Here is a list of reasons to love baked beans and perhaps even re-introduce them to your diet:

• They’re a great size. In fact, you can fit about 5 or 6 of them onto a fork with a bit of scrambled egg quite comfortably and never feel as though you’re chewing too much food all at once. Equally, they’re large enough to be picked up one by one – if you are without a fork or a spoon and only have your hands – and eaten individually.
• Baked beans go with everything. Everything. Everything. From pork sausages to toast to cheese to spaghetti – they’re incapable of offending another foodstuff with their presence.
• Kids like baked beans. This was good for you back when you were a kid and wouldn’t eat anything that contained a vitamin or a mineral – except for baked beans. And it’s good for you now, if you have kids of your own or if you still eat as badly as you did when you were wee.
• Baked beans double as a fashion accessory. Just ask the beer-swigging men from North England. They wear them on their wifebeaters every day – religiously and proudly. In fact, I think baked beans might even be doubling as a badge for some kind of secret society up there. (one that consists of fat, beer-drinking men only, of course)
• Baked beans have cult status. I can’t explain it. They’re just fucking cool. The badass gang bosses in prisons worldwide eat baked beans. Wallace and Gromit eat baked beans. Every English person worth their salt eats baked beans. Talented art students live on nothing but baked beans for 3 – 4 years at a time and create masterpieces. Reckless 20-something party-girls open tins of baked beans when they get home pissed at 4 am – without harming their rigorous cocaine-only diets.
• Large, respectable families include baked beans as a staple at every summer barbeque. Guy Ritchie writes films about men who eat baked beans and commit intelligent crimes on those baked-bean-filled bellies. And so on.

Go on. Tell me you don’t like baked beans. I dare you.